stories as therapy for my deteriorating memory.

On most days, I am left alone in the flat. All my housemates are out to earn a living. So, the other day when we ran out of drinking water, I called sissy to ask for directions on where to order water. She instructed me to call Mr. Niyas, our building guy who’s in charge of everything from faulty electrical wiring to water delivery.

While taking note of Mr. Niyas’ contact info, sissy gave me specific instructions. “Ja, just talk to him in broken English. Just say specifically what you need. Don’t use deep English, okay?” “Okay,” I replied.

Sissy has been in the UAE for more than two years now. She’s a civil engineer who works as a QA/QC at a construction firm that builds posh villas somewhere in Dubai. She works with a number of laborers, most of whom are Pakistanis and Indians. She used to speak perfect English before coming to the UAE. Well, she still does, occasionally.

Don’t get me wrong. My sister has a good command of the English language. But she says that at work, you only need a few words. If you bombard your laborers with too many words, chances are, they won’t respond. Hence, you won’t get the job done. And since her arrival, she has gotten all praises and commendations for her accomplishments in her career. She even got promoted earlier than scheduled.

But sissy has become so used to talking to the laborers that she uses this tone and limited vocabulary even when she’s conversing with us or with other people. When she’s driving and a car suddenly cuts her on the road, you’ll hear her exclaim, “Why like this, uncle? Too much fast!” When she’s buying groceries or ordering food and doesn’t get her order right, she’ll call the waiter and ask, “Why like this, my friend? Too much small!” You’ll hear her say almost the same words you can actually replace some of them with just any other adjective, and bingo! You can use her lines again somewhere else.

With this in my mind, I dialed Mr. Niyas’ number. He answered after the third ring. “Hi, Mr. Niyas? Order. Four. Bottles. Water. 1302. Yeah?” I said in an awkward fashion, deliberately pausing after each word. “Oh, you’ve run out of drinking water at Unit 1302? We will deliver four bottles of water in 10 minutes,” replied Mr. Niyas on the other end of the line. As I pressed the end call button, the image of this tall Indian guy who goes around our building checking for leaks, mopping the floor and fixing the elevator flashed through my mind. And there in the middle of our empty, white-walled living room, I smiled.

P. S.

Prior to going to the UAE, I prepared myself for a “new” life by reading online news and other personal accounts about life in the gulf. I stumbled upon a blog that’s called Life in Dubai. This entry made me burst into laughter more than I could count.

Conversations we’ve had

I was rummaging through a folder of old stuff and came across a classic from way back, originally published in Far East Economic Review. If you’ve ever stayed in a hotel in the Far East you’ll probably have had exactly this conversation – we have them on a daily basis in Dubai too. Read it out loud to get the best out of it.

Room Service: “Morny. Ruin sorbees”
Guest: “Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service”
RS: “Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”
Guest: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs”
RS: “Ow July den?”
G: “What??”
RS: “Ow July den?…pry,boy, pooch?”
G: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”
RS: “Ow July dee bayhcem…crease?”
G: “Crisp will be fine”
RS: “Hokay. An San tos?”
G: “What?”
RS: “San tos. July San tos?”
G: “I don’t think so”
RS: “No? Judo one toes??”
G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means.”
RS: “Toes! toes!…why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?”
G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
RS: “We bother?”
G: “No..just put the bother on the side.”
RS: “Wad?”
G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side.”
RS: “Copy?”
G: “Sorry?”
RS: “Copy…tea…mill?”
G: “Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”
RS: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy….rye??”
G: “Whatever you say”
RS: “Tendjewberrymud”
G: “You’re welcome”